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RelationshipBaggage.com

After My Breakup…

Was I Paranoid, or Were People Really Avoiding Me?

After a romantic breakup, even when broken hearted people seem to be walking though quicksand, they have a heightened awareness about certain things going on around them. In general, they have a sense that they are being judged, evaluated, or criticized behind their backs. In particular, they are very aware that people avoid them. They sense when someone in the mall saw them and ducked into a store so as not to have to talk to them. Or, if the other person couldn’t avoid them, they made a lot of small talk, like, “A lot of beautiful weather we’ve been having lately, eh?”

A few incidents like that, and it’s easy to see why people “isolate” themselves in the days, weeks, and months following a loss. The sad part, is that’s exactly the time when contact with friends and family might be most helpful and meaningful.

But here’s where another problem rears its ugly head. When people try to talk to the sad person, they make well-meaning but unhelpful comments that are intended to comfort and soothe, but do just the opposite. Unhelpful comments almost always encourage the sad person to feel some way other than the way they feel. For example; “Don't feel sad, there are plenty of fish in the sea.” That tells you NOT to feel the way you feel, which is absurd, but it also suggests that you run right out and start dating again. Or, “Don’t Feel bad, he wasn’t right for you.”

We call those comments “killer clichés” about loss. Like the avoidance of the topic, and the implicit judgment and criticism, all they do is further isolate the person who might have a real need to talk about what happened in their relationship.

The truth is that people often do avoid people who are grieving the end of a relationship. Since our society has so mis-educated us about loss, we are often led to believe that the griever wants and needs to be alone. Although grievers sometimes want to be alone, more often they want to be treated normally. Because we were never properly taught how to talk about the conflicting feelings caused by loss, we are often afraid to talk to our friends when they have experienced a loss. Therefore our own fear will cause us to avoid grievers or to avoid the subject of their loss.

Fear is the most common response to loss. For example, after a break-up: Where will I find another mate as wonderful, as beautiful? While fear is often the emotional response to loss, in our society, isolation is frequently the behavioral reaction to the fear.

Moving On is the ideal book for someone who has experienced a break-up, recent or long ago. It’s also valuable for those who realize they have a string of relationships, each ending badly, and often with the awareness that they chose poorly or overrode their intuition and stayed with someone even though they knew it would never work out.

Moving On is also very helpful for friends and family of someone going through a romantic ending. In part, because it will help them recognize things to say and not say that will allow them to be available and safe to talk with. And also because, it contains some excellent elements that are valuable for people who are in good relationships. Nothing wrong isn going from good to better.

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